Tobias was a never nude, which is exactly what it sounds like.

When it comes to buying denim shorts, the first thing that comes to mind is the most wonderful character that ever graced us with his presence on television, Tobias Funke. I own a pair of cutoffs, not only as an ode to a television favorite, but it was my first attempt at denim shorts. For some reason, and I hope it isn't just me, I have such trouble finding a good pair of denim shorts. Not only have prices skyrocketed to disgusting highs (basically they are expensive postage stamps. I tried on a pair of True Religion and not only was my tush exponentially exposed with every step I took, but the sales person attempted to convince me that this was a cute look...bahahhahah), but it's also difficult to find the right cut.

Le Cutoffs, a little awk, right? 

 Look at me! I have no emotions because I'm cooler than everyone looking at this picture!

You think, well, shorts are shorts, right? Not so much. My first attempt was made 2 summers ago at a vintage store where I procured a pair of perfectly worn-in men's Levi's cutoffs. I was definitely influenced by Alexander Wang, but because I am not Erin Wasson, I began to have major issues with the waistband. Cutoffs are cute, but men's jeans are made for men, not for women, mainly for the huge issue they cannot bear children aka do not have hips. At this point I reserve my beloved Tobias shorts for flowy tops, wearing tights underneath, and impressing people when I say I have nevernude shorts (at which point I proceed to model them and do a Mrs. Featherbottom impression).

A couple of weeks ago, I decided I would not go another summer making excuses for my Tobias pants, and proceeded to hunt down the perfect pair of cutoffs.

My criteria:
-They would be made for women
-A dark wash, but not indigo.
-No pocket peakers
-Ass must be fully veiled
-Must fall on hips, not at waist
-Minimal pocket detailing/distressing

So I was on a quest for basically mythical shorts. Well, to my surprise, good ol' Philly based pseudo-hipster retailer Urban Outfitters had my golden ticket (and a golden twinkle in my eyeee. Maddie, calm it down.). I present to you Levi's 501 Cutoff Short. It fits all my requirements and then some.

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Photo: Urban Outfitters

My favorite thing about these shorts is the length. I have the option to roll them up (while keeping my backside covered) or to bring them down to a more fixie-riding-hipster-cutoff length. The wash distressed, but definitely feels worn in while being dark.

Photo: Urban Outfitters

The back (or I prefer "donk") is not only flattering, but the pockets are simple classic Levi's with yellow stitching. No fancy shmancy in your face logos.

Overall these shorts are winners. Now, excuse me while I attempt to write 10 pages on Rothko's spacial phenomenology and gouge my eyes out.